The only way to get a definite diagnosis is to get what is called an amniocentesis. This is an invasive procedure where they stick a fairly large needle through your stomach, through your uterine wall, and take a sample of the amniotic fluid. The risk of miscarriage after having an amniocentesis after 15-week’s gestation is estimated to be 1 in 100. To Dalton and I, the risk of the procedure did not outweigh the unknown. We knew we were going to keep her regardless if she had Down syndrome or not, even though we had been asked countless times, ‘Are you going to keep her?’
Let’s get real and raw here for a minute. When we first found out, we had feelings and thoughts cross our mind that are hard to admit. We were angry. We were scared. We tried to talk ourselves into believing the test was wrong. We talked about adoption. (I seriously have cried and been so ashamed of myself for even thinking this, now she is here.) We felt like our world had been turned upside down. Talking to other moms who have kids with special needs helped me realize the thoughts and feelings we had were totally normal, and we were most definitely not alone.
They also had similar thoughts and feelings when receiving such life-changing news. We are real people with real and raw emotions. It made me realize 1) having those thoughts and feelings does not make you a bad person, and 2) there is a grieving process you have to go through. When you get pregnant, you have these expectations of having a perfectly healthy baby, and when you are told your baby isn’t what you expected, it makes you sad and it hits you like a ton of bricks. It is so important to allow yourself to grieve the child you thought you were having. Just make sure you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember God is in control.
Fast forward a couple of months down the road. There were many restless nights wondering what our future would hold. I went back and forth battling with my mind whether or not she had Down syndrome. At one point, I even made an appointment to have an amniocentesis and I called and canceled the day I was supposed to go. I remember praying and asking God, ‘Why did you choose me to be her mother?’ I felt so inadequate to raise a child with special needs. I spent a lot of time on my knees, angry with God. I even remember praying one night and asking her to be ‘normal,’ and after I got up the thought crossed my mind, ‘What even is normal?’
The month before she was born, I got my answer. I knew she had Down syndrome. From many hours on my knees talking to God and the people he had placed in my life to reassure me it was going to be okay, I knew Dalton and I were chosen for this. She chose us and God chose us. And we chose her. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant—it was a month after we had miscarried our first baby. I had stopped at a gas station to get a drink and I was waiting in line to check out when I noticed this mom, with her daughter, who had Down syndrome.
I had a very unexplainable sensation come over me, and the thought crossed my mind, ‘What if I have a child with Down syndrome?’ I didn’t think anything of it until now. Dalton had mentioned just the other night it had crossed his mind several times growing up he would have a kid with special needs. These small, simple things and thoughts are reminders to pay attention. God really is in every single detail of our lives.
We were really open with our friends and family, and even strangers, about the possibility she had Down syndrome. I found comfort in telling people what was going on, instead of trying to comprehend it all on my own. Some people, even medical professionals, had very negative things to say to us. I had one woman tell me, ‘Well, hopefully, it’s just a fluke.’ Another one said, ‘What a bummer.’ I have learned there is a very negative stigma around the words ‘Down syndrome.’ The one thing which bothered me the absolute worst is when I would share the news with someone, and they would say, ‘Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.’
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