Here at Love What Matters we believe in the following philosophy: your life is short and precious; you owe it to yourself to live better, in every way.

‘Can you please lay with me?’

‘Please shut the door!’

‘Please sing to me.’

And so I sang.

I sang every song I knew and then I sang them all again. And eventually, she was comfortable enough to say hello to our dogs. And then our cat. And then eventually my children.

They sat on her bedroom floor with smiles glued onto their faces wanting so badly to comfort her but not knowing how.

At dinnertime she hunched over her plate. I resisted every urge to correct her posture or the way she held her fork. Her blond hair dragged across her plate, turning red in the marinara sauce.

At bedtime, I pull the ruffled comforter up and tucked it around her chin. With her big blue eyes and blond hair, she looked like a little cherub floating on a cloud.

‘Can I stay here forever?’ she asked me.

And my heart breaks because I know that for so many reasons, her story does not end up that way.

I thought I’d be good at this. Foster parenting. I thought I could show up, do the hard work, love unconditionally, and then let go when it was time.

After all, another woman’s child—my stepson—is the one who taught me how to love like a mother. And yet another woman’s child—my Haitian son—is teaching me how a mother needs to let go as he prepares to step out into the world on his own.

But right now, with this vulnerable little angel staring up at me and asking me if she can stay with me forever, I am not so sure that I can be good at this. I don’t think I’m strong enough even when I know that she needs me to be.

So for now, I will smile at her and kiss her forehead and give her all the assurances and love that I have to give. And then I will tiptoe out of her bedroom, fall on my knees outside of her door, and beg for strength because all of mine is gone.

I knew foster care would be hard, but it is so much harder than I ever imagined.”