I went to treatment at the VA once, but I really didn’t want to be sober; I just wanted out of the cold. While there, with a sliver of sobriety, I remember crying out to God: ‘God, if you’re there… if you’re real… why have you let this happen to me? Why did I deserve this horrible life?’ That night I heard God in a way I never had, and haven’t ever since. He responded to me nearly audibly: ‘I’ve been walking with you through it all along; I’ve never left you.’ That was in November 2013. I wish I could say I stayed sober at that point, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready, but I was close.
A few months later, after being kicked out of rehab for an argument with a guy I had gotten involved with there, I was back to prostituting to pay for my habit and hopping from dope house to dope house. Most of the guys that contacted me were married men wanting to cheat and thinking that it was an easy way to not get caught. They disgusted me; but then again, I disgusted me too.
One night, I got a text from someone new. A John that would become more than that. He picked me up and we went to his house, where I got high in his bathroom. We had sex and he paid me, but I didn’t leave right away after. Instead we laid in his bed and talked, which is not something that usually happens in these situations, as you may assume. We talked about life and I told him my story, then he told me some of his. He had been sober for many years and he encouraged me that I could do it too. I was infatuated with him. He contacted me a few more times and what started as a business deal turned into a very unhealthy relationship. He was controlling and I was codependent; but I got sober. I stayed sober for him at first. Anything to keep him from leaving me. I felt a connection with another person for the first time in what felt like forever and I was scared to lose it, so I did whatever he asked, including staying sober.
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